Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Vacation Alert...

That's what my auto-responder is set to at work this week - a notice to everyone that I won't be answering their emails until my return to routine. And vacationing I am - in Savannah, Georgia at the moment savouring the sunny southern comfort and clear blue skies. Loving my grandson and my daughter, spending some relaxed time with DH - not rushing around on a Saturday trying to squeeze all of life into a single car ride.

Sometimes I think we all need a Vacation Alert message to pop up in our brains while we're actually on vacation. Why do we think that we can "fall off the wagon" for a week while we're away from home? Why do we think we deserve or need a vacation from our healthy lifestyles and choices? Why do these myriad changes we're trying to make feel like their own form of work once we're away from home? It's not work - it's life. Whether we're home or not.

A couple of times this week I've popped a homemade praline (7000 cal, 680g fat and 1 g fibre! You get the idea!!) in my mouth with the pre-thought of "it's okay, I'm on vacation" but, truly, that's the wrong message! I can't afford to take a vacation from my health. There is no justification to allow a vacation to interfere with eating thoughtfully! I don't NEED a vacation from my usual nutritious diet.

So - I'm changing my praline moments to something more accurate and sustainable. I've run more than 20 kms on this trip, biked for 3 hours around old Savannah yesterday, spent an hour practicing yoga on the beach (and have the gazillion bug bites to prove it too), biked an hour tonight on the surf line of the beach - all in all, I've maintained a healthy exercise program and there is room in my intake for a praline because I haven't overeaten elsewhere. I have consumed a healthy diet and there is room in a healthy diet for a homemade praline.

So - I can have it if I want it. If it's worth it (homemade pralines Georgia style are sssooooo worth it!) and if there's room. Not because I'm on vacation.

Back to the beach.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Love Letter to WW

I remember joining WW the first time - a balmy spring day in 1990 - so encouraged by the leader's success and promise, I walked the whole way home - 3.2 km - the farthest I had walked since 1984. I embraced the pre-points program with gusto - losing an admirable 63 pounds in total. I was young, it was fast and I was definitely "On A Diet."

"On a diet" meant no to many things - regardless of WWs mantra that ALL things are possible on the plan, there are still many things that didn't fit in very well. SO - substitutions were the order of the day. I still have more recipes for desserts using sugar free pudding, graham wafer crumbs and fruit than anyone will ever need on this earth. I know how to pretend a rice cake is a pizza crust and cover it with fat free spaghetti sauce and low fat cheese. Or, better yet - Molly McButter and garlic salt - yummy - mouthwatering. I've dipped carrots into tasteless fat free dressings, eaten cups of air popped popcorn trying to pretend it wasn't styrofoam in my mouth, eaten salty, turkey wannabee hot dogs - all in the name of losing weight.

I was constantly hungry. Lots of research studies have shown that sugar substitutes trick our bodies into thinking it's sugar thus stimulating the same craving for sugar as the real stuff does. Rice cakes, in addition to being utterly tasteless, are a high GI food - quickly digested stimulating insulin production and creating yet another craving. There was little support from WW around adding nutrients and calories for exercise - 4 step aerobic classes a week took their needs from what nutrients I had in my system leaving little for health - no wonder I was starving all the time! Constantly watching the clock, constantly craving every bit of food within sight - always thinking about my next meal before my current one was done. A horrible way to live!

And what about my health? Other research is pretty clear on the risk of food substitutes - what is in "Molly McButter" anyway? I don't want to think of the possible long term damage done to my organs by eating all those chemicals used to make fake food taste sorta real. All that aspartame (no Splenda yet in view!), fillers, preservatives, bulk - all that emptiness - a diet built on man made chemistry - not that of the earth!

As long as I kept vigilant about ignoring my hunger - I was okay. But it got to be too much work. I was exhausted from my hunger. And, I quit. Cold Turkey. No gentle weaning - simply said "enough!"

Today's WW is different. I don't agree with all of its principles - I still don't believe in "a little piece of cake" (there's no such thing) or using a few points each day for "treats". I need every point for nutrients thanks. I'm a fat chick in recovery - there is no room in my diet for a daily infusion of sugar substitutes or those 100 cal packs of junk food. Nope - like an addict, I say no. NO. Everyday - NO.

But I love the simply filling foods. I use the simply filling foods for my daily points - at least 85% of my daily points come from the simply filling list. Those nutritious, low calorie, high nutrient foods from the earth - nothing fancy - nothing premade - just good grains, vegetables, fruits, dairy and proteins. And big portions. Since eliminating so much junk from my diet and sticking to WWs filling foods in portion controlled point sizes, I am rarely hungry. I haven't had a craving for 6 months. Not a one.

I love the insistance on vitamin supplements and oil intake. The reminder to go slow and steady. The 10% goal and the 5lb stars. All lovely stuff!

I also love the online tools - so simple to use. So fast - so accurate! So adaptable. As WW continues to move me down in daily points, I continue to override it to what I want my DPs to be with no problems. Weekly WIs are private affairs and the site is quick to offer a "woot!" when the numbers are good. Monitoring APs is awesome - how motivating to rack up 14 APs even if there is no way I could physically eat that much! But knowing I had 14 APs yesterday encourages me to adjust my intake today to compensate for the protein and carbs needed to fuel those muscles in recovery.

Finally - WWs boards are a stellar support group to which I have access 24/7. There are some nasty places and sarcastic people to avoid - I haven't worked this hard on my positive outlook to engage in battle with a troll. But, the age boards are priceless for their knowledge, support, caring and friendship. Despite appearances to the contrary, I'm not good at talking about this journey in my real world. Having the relative anonymity of the 40s board through thick and thin (sorry, pun intended) is sublime.

I am so glad to have rediscovered the new improved WW. I am now a very big fan and believe absolutely that it is a key component in my recovery. One day at a time!

Friday, April 17, 2009

The Spirit Within

I have the nastiest little person living inside my head. Sometimes she is bigger than all of my world and can overpower me with one whispered remark - other times she is well hidden from sight - potentially invisible but her anger and ridicule are still there waiting for their moment to bully their way to the forefront.

For many years, this nasty little creature had open mic access to my very soul. She rose before I did - reminding me that had eaten too much at dinner the night before, admonishing me for my slothlike avoidance of exercise - suggesting, always, that I might as well eat too much and exercise too little because I wasn't really worthy of much better for myself. She really shone in the mirror - pointing out every unflattering lump and bump - a pulled shirt gaping at the bust line, pants digging in at the waistline of a soft abdomen, a sagging jaw line or bad hair moment.

She presented herself in other guises as well. Making any little mistake - say, cutting off some poor soul on the highway - was worth a lengthy bout of ruminating about my lack of perfection. Choosing a Thai restaurant for friends for dinner only to discover he's allergic to peanuts and she hates cilantro would weave an carpet of self doubt and incrimination that would blanket the evening. There was no escaping her - she came with me everywhere!

And, for the most part, I was the only one aware of her. Other people saw me as successful, happy, interesting and intelligent. A few victims of my sarcastic teasing might have seen a ghost of her now and then but, overall, I was fully functional. I, however, knew the truth about myself. I disliked myself intensely. I was not happy. I was feeding my anxieties and insecurities and fears with food that was making her more powerful and more angry.

I didn't know how to turn her off or, even, tune her out. I'd read plenty about negative inner voices and perfectionism but I hadn't a clue how to put what I'd read into action. Her voice kept reminding me that I was too far gone to recover so, what was the point? Have another slab of cake.

Until I tried yoga. That very first magical day when I pulled out the blue foamy mat and slid the dvd into the player. Suzanne Deason's calm voice assured me that I could try this new thing. The gorgeous Arizona desert setting seemed calm and safe to me. The lovely chubby woman performing the fully modified version of the practice encouraged me. So, I started.

Yoga has well studied and documented benefits - and I knew about them. What I didn't expect was the moments of quiet I experienced that very first day. I turned off the hum of the world, I turn my full attention inward and, lo and behold, I found the off switch of my inner voice. In those early weeks, I cared less about the awkwardness of my poses and most about the quieting of that voice. Knowing there WAS an off switch encouraged me to find other ways to use it more often. I started a gratitude journal - focussing only on the positives in my life. I started a health pledge to myself and start every day with its recitation. I started to acknowledge with thanks all the people my life touches in a day - I've yet to meet a ttc subway conductor, for example, who isn't both pleased and completely surprised to be sincerely thanked on a busy Tuesday morning! I forgive myself for my humaness, for my lack of perfection, for my particular quirks and foibles.

I have found the keys to turning her off. When I weaken and she comes back, I use the tools of calmness and quiet to shut her down. Of all the things I've accomplished on this journey, overpowering the nasty one in my head has been the most rewarding and I will celebrate that at the start and end of every day.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Current Pictures

Today I am celebrating a 70 lb loss - I tried to envision what 70 lbs would look like so I googled images and came up with photos of rather largish, muscle bound dogs; newly thin people boasting of their own 70 lb losses - including a beefcake pose on a gay pride website - and various and sundry ebay articles with shipping weight of, you guessed it, 70 lbs. Nothing that looked like 70 lbs. I want to see it - perhaps a trip to the grocery store is in order - 70 lbs of butter or three 20 pound turkeys with a 10 lb pot roast thrown in for good measure. I am a visual person - I really need to see the weight that's gone.

Instead, I had DH take a few photos. One was yesterday - a random shot during Easter preparations taken by my DD. Caught in the act - snagging a nibble from a tray - probably not counted but definitely enjoyed. Today's pic is taken as I returned home from work. Later I will take these photos and load them up with older photos and have a good look at the changes. This is the only way for me to fully understand that there is 70 lbs less of me now than there was 4 years ago. 7 - 0. seventy. That's a lot and I am never going to let it return. That's a promise.


Thursday, April 9, 2009

No fat chicks...

I was asked about the name of my blog - someone wondered if the name was a little derogatory and, indeed it is. My first exposure to "fat chick" came from a book "No Fat Chicks" by Terry Poulton - a Canadian woman whose battle against obesity lead to a Biggest Loser style series in Chatelaine magazine where she publicly shed an amazing amount of weight only to regain it once the attention died down. Her message of big business and celebrity cutlure conspiring against woman by making every woman hate her body rings with truth. Her title comes from a bumper sticker on an 18 wheeler operated by an obese slob of a man who was oblivious to the double standard of his expectation for company in the sleeper cab of his rig! I liked this book - it did ring true and I recognized myself as a Fat Chick - the kind of matronly looking 40 something with a mini-van and a purse full of crackers and handi-wipes who was kidding herself if she thought those wolf whistles were intended for her.

A Fat Chick has lots of issues - choose from a possible list: low self esteem, an ugly wardrobe, sensible hairstyle, clothes that don't fit, constant hunger, exhaustion from keeping up with the daily grind, shortness of breath from climbing a flight of stairs, looking for food rewards when none else is available, invisibility, sensible shoes because heels make your aged knees ache, minor hypochondria, a sense of life passing by. I had all of these and more - I was definitely a Fat Chick.

The reality is, I still am - because, this Fat Chick got to be fat through eating too much of the wrong stuff and not exercising enough. Not taking care of her spirit; letting the exhaustion and the kids and the mortgage and the boss take control of her life. I know now that fighting against the Fat Chick inside of me is going to be a daily battle. I know that the Fat Chick is inside of me, waiting for me to slip up - to let the exhaustion and self doubt and low self esteem back into my life, to seek reward and happiness from a slab of carrot cake, to allow the nasty inner voice to open her sneering lips again with acrimony and negativity. I know that this can happen - and so, I wake up every morning and pledge a day of "sobriety" to myself. I start with positive affirmations and gratitude. I offer thanks to a body that has taken so much abuse but still gives so much back to me. I plan my exercise for the day. I think about the possible pitfalls and how I'm going to manage them. Like an alcoholic who is always in recovery, always measuring success one day at a time, I too, am looking at this process as a commitment I must make everyday for the rest of my life.

And thus, no matter how thin I am, I recognize I am always going to be a Fat Chick inside. I will always stand guard to make certain she stays there, too!

Monday, April 6, 2009

During Photos - 183 and holding, holding, holding

I felt great at 183 lb. and enjoyed getting back into all the activities I loved so much. It's no accident that the majority of the photos taken while I was that weight were taken outside, hiking in the mountains - in Alberta, Montana, Arizona, Utah- wherever there is elevation, that's where I want to be. My church exists above the treeline. After my daughter Emily died, it was during a trip to the Kananaskis region of SW Alberta that I started wanting to live again - that's how powerful being in the mountains is to me. And I don't mean looking at them from a roadside stop - I mean getting out and climbing them. Weighing 221 lbs had made climbing the side of a mountain very challenging and, frankly, unsafe. Shedding 38lbs reopened my soul to me - a door I never want to close again.

I am somewhat unnerved by these photos - I now weigh more than 35 lbs less than I did in any of these photos but, to me, I look exactly the same. I know that I can remove those hiking shorts (above) without undoing the zipper. And those jeans were size 14 while the ones I'm currently wearing are a 6. Of course, my hair is longer and I'm 3 years older now - but physically, I see myself as looking the same. I wonder if it's because I started loving myself then and what I see in my mind is the happiness in me that is the same rather than the physical shape that has changed? I don't know.

So - why didn't I just stay at 183? Why didn't I just shed the 9 that had crept back on and leave it at that? Ultimately, it still had to do with health. I was happy inside and happy with what I looked like but, happy or not, my BMI was still borderline obese and I want to be here to watch my grandson grow up. I am striving for physical health to match my mental health... and 183 lb simply isn't going to cut it.

I have to take some current pictures - or rather, get someone to snap a few or we'll be stuck with those awkward arms length shots favoured by clever teens and their facebook profiles. Lots more to talk about - to think about... I'll be back.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Before Photos

The digital camera age has revolutionized the number of photos taken in the world but the number actually saved and printed has diminished to almost nothing. It has also made editing and deleting unflattering photos possible before they ever see the light of day or a computer screen. I've spent 2 weeks looking for BEFORE pictures - there's a noticeable absence of them in the photo albums and cd's cluttering up the office!!

I feel sad about this! I know I was in the photos and I know I have deleted them. As a result, I feel like I am not present in my past - there is little photo evidence of me there! Kelly, a fellow WWer known as FIVEGEORGE42 has a tagline I love: "Jan 15, 2002 - The day I showed up to start living my life." - and the absence of photos of me over a 3 year period remind me that I wasn't showing up to live my life - I was there but I wasn't present in my own life. That has changed!

But, I do have a few photos at my heaviest and I share them with you now. These were all taken mid-year 2004 when we were living in Calgary. And they remind me of some good times - visiting the mountains, redecorating our house and travelling - too bad I deleted so many memories!

I was miserably unhappy. I had difficulty finding work in my field in Calgary and was bored witless at home. DH travelled often and spent more time at the Calgary airport than at home. I wasn't accustomed to the dry air and, like many Albertans, my asthma became out of control. Chinooks caused me migraines, ground squirrels chewing through the garden daily made me homicidal, killing frosts in August left me feeling inadequately prepared for prairie life - on and on and on - a virtual encyclopedia of negativity. The reality was, I was unhappy within myself. I didn't like me very much and there's nothing like a major change to your circumstances to bring the worst out in yourself.

These 3 pictures are of a woman who no longer exists. I didn't set out to change her - I didn't even know that she needed much changing!! But change she did - as much on the inside as on the outside and that will continue to be explored in this blog. Next post - "during photos" and, eventually, NOW!

Biting the proverbial bullet... back to WW.

The day I weighed 192 at the doctor's wasn't a complete shock. Those size 10 Levi's had long ago "shrunk" to a degree that left them relegated to the back of the closet. And my asthma was keeping me from walking briskly outside in the cold weather. And... well, lots of excuses but reality is, I wasn't entirely unprepared for the reality of those numbers on the scale.

I didn't own a scale at home. I once became so obsessed with weighing myself that I'd step on the scale as often as 4 times a day - even at work (I'm an RN, we have scales at work!) and the number on the scale would dictate my mood for the next few hours until I got back on the scale. I also expected the number to keep going down - even on maintenance. I was 117 on my 5'5" frame before I came to my senses and threw the scale and all related scale activity out the window. Like all recovering addicts - abstinence from the addictive activity took over - I even turned my back on the scale while weighing in at the doctor's office. I couldn't turn my ears off though - my physician liked to tell me my weight and ask me what I was going to do about it at every annual physical.

So - it wasn't a shock but, 192 was not a pleasant number. I left the doctor's office feeling defeated by my own appetite for life - I had significantly changed my diet - there was little in it that could be further eliminated. I had significantly increased my exercise - walking 5 km most evenings with DH and practicing yoga 2 times per week - I didn't know how I was going to find more time in the day for more fitness. It was discouraging but I knew I had to find a way to overcome the obstacles in order to be more healthy.

I joined Weight Watchers (WW) one week later. I had been a WW member in the past - starting at 183 lb 4 months after my youngest daughter was born - I took 5 months to get to goal (138 lb) then proceeded to lose another 21 lbs over the next few months. I loved the program and became a leader - back then you had to be 10 lb under goal to lead and I enjoyed the skinniness of 128 lb very much. So, I dieted hard to be that weight, became addicted to the scale, became too thin, then started to regain and, after 3 years of leading - decided it was all too much stress and quit.

I vowed I would never diet again - diets don't work. And, my success on WW did come from dieting. I didn't change my eating habits - just modified everything to accommodate it all within the diet. Used artificial sweetners, ate tons of low cal desserts, bought frozen processed meals by the cart full, cut my wine with soda (a sacrilege quite frankly), etc etc. Not a lot of lifestyle change going on and, I recall it very well, I was ALWAYS hungry. Never finished one "meal" without planning for the next. Never left a table feeling full. Always craved chips and chocolate bars... always checking the clock to see if it were time to eat again. Those were nasty days.

But - I had run out of options. Doing it on my own wasn't working and I needed to lose weight in order to get healthy. I needed some structure and external monitoring. My dear sister (DS) was enjoying her online WW so, on October 19, 2008, I signed up.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The year long plateau...

Weight loss wasn't an immediate goal of this process - taking back control of my life from the fridge, TV and couch were bigger concerns. But I did expect weight loss and got it - very, very slowly. The first 20 lbs took about a year - so slowly that no one noticed. But I felt better than I had in years; I actually have photos of myself from that period and very, very few from my heaviest. Finding size 16 hiking shorts that fit was a happy, happy day for me and a favorite picture of me at 200 is hiking up the top of a mountain pass wearing those very shorts.

Two things accelerated the process for the next 20 lbs:

First, we moved back to Southern Ontario from Alberta and chose a small town home over our previous rural lifestyle. Being able to walk outside in the winter on lighted sidewalks meant I could walk more - a favored form of exercise. Not freezing to death was also a pleasant change from those ferocious prairie winds.

Second, DH got a wake up call. A stressed out, obese executive prone to high blood pressure and doctor avoidance, he was denied mortgage insurance on our new house. The idea that he could leave me unable to provide for our family was the incentive he needed to make changes - so - he joined me on my health quest. Having a partner on this journey makes it 1/3 as difficult and twice as fun. Having a partner who is male is also a major pain in the butt...

DH lost 70 lbs in 6 months... sigh*

But - he did make my process easier - a walking partner, someone who read labels before he brought food into the house, someone who decreased his alcohol intake alongside mine, someone who thought twice about opening a bag of chips or cookies, and someone interested in the GI Diet.

The GI Diet (Rick Gallop) was our first attempt at structuring our meals thoughtfully. Prior to that, I was simply eliminating the "bad" and adding the "good". The premise of low and high GI foods and their effect on the body made sense to me. The principles and approach were easy for me to follow and I enjoyed the healthful food. I lost another 20lbs - getting myself to a low of 183. I felt great and looked great - bought a pair of size 10 Levi's - size 10!!! All that exercise meant lots of inches lost. I was deliriously happy... but I stayed at 183 for an entire year.

The GI Diet was very good - I still follow it even on Weight Watchers. But it doesn't worry too much about portion control and I'm a big big eater. A really BIG eater - I love LOTS of food - never been known to put a chip bag or cookie box back into the pantry. Portion size info on labels was meaningless to me - I ate what and when Iwanted and stayed at 183.

So I got used to it - by this time I had started running occasionally and was more intense about yoga. I looked great. I grew my hair out and got some funky glasses. I enjoyed life to the fullest.

Until I went to my doctor for an asthma check up and weighed 192lb.

That's one way to break a plateau.