Too busy?

I really, truly am too busy right now.

I work fulltime as the Program Manager for a busy government program and commute about 3 hours every day to get to and from my job.

I teach a 4 hour nursing theory class on Tuesday nights and all week peck away at teaching the same course online. I assign too many assignments which means seemingly endless marking but I care deeply about my students and their learning so it's worthwhile.

I am training for a half marathon - getting up at 5 am to tackle hill repeats (which I love - strangely enough) and tempo runs and spending Sunday mornings logging 16-19 km with all the related warm up and cool down and stretching time factored in. I crosstrain with an active, vibrant yoga practice and swim laps in my pool.

I have a husband. We have friends. My grown daughters are launched or are launching - but my year old grandson needs a periodic visit involving multiple flights to Savannah for long but oh so very short weekends and the youngest needs reassurance that she won't get lost at U of T in the fall.

Planning a get together with another couple requires the services of an event planner and 4 Blackberries. Committing to a family get together at the cottage means a complete overhaul of a month's worth of "to do" items. Forget that crown I need - there is no time to call the dentist to make an appointment let alone time to attend it.

In the meantime, there are books piling up on my bedside table begging to be enjoyed. And emails from people awaiting my witty reply. There is an empty refrigerator and an overfull laundry basket and sometimes I can barely muster the strength to suck back the needed dose of Flovent before tumbling into bed at 9 pm.

It is a full life. I am BUSY. Everyone I know is busy! And everyone uses it as an excuse for something.

My girlfriend is too busy to exercise. She gave up her nightly walks when her work started following her home like a scruffy, persistent dog. The 22 lbs she's gained since Christmas are starting to show and she is finding less energy to get through her work during the day meaning even more is tracking her home.

My colleague is too busy to prepare meals. She no longer packs a nutritious lunch and generally picks up something from a fast food joint on the way home from the office for dinner. She complains about the toll it's taking on her wallet but doesn't admit to any worry about what it's doing to her or her family's health.

Another is too busy to carry on with her French classes - she's been studying for a couple of years and even dated a fellow student for a time - she loves to tell of their trip to Paris where she mangled enough verbs to start another revolution and felt completely bilingual despite her lack of fluency. She, too, is simply too busy at work to take any personal time at all anymore and her French is limited to our occasional fractured conversations.

All of them are too busy to diet. "I haven't time to attend Weight Watcher's meetings anymore" says one - "I'm going to have to take a break."

I understand that something has to give - there are, after all, only so many hours in the day. But in the grand priority of life - nutrition and exercise have to come first. Just like there is no "taking a vacation" from proper nutrition, there is no "too busy" for it either. Too busy to feed and nurture yourself? Too busy to ensure your body is getting what it needs to keep moving forward? Too busy to care about your spirit or your mind? Too busy to prevent disease? Too busy to love yourself?

Yes, some things have to go but surely active involvement in loving ourself fits in somewhere? In order to make sure I still have time for the activities I need to be healthy, I've given some things up this summer:

• I've given up time on the WW boards and facebook until I get through this too busy period.
• I've given up TV using it twice a week for my yoga practice and little more. I can get the news while I'm commuting - usually 6 times over!
• I've given up reading for pleasure.
• I've given up cooking - we're eating raw and straight from the fridge most days.
• I've given up my blog - this is the first time I've written in 3 weeks and only because the last appointment of my day didn't show!
• I've given up shopping - I can do without a trip to the mall more than I can do without an hour of weight training.
• I've given up house work - well, not completely -but let's just say my standard has slipped substantially and people should call before they drop by!

But I haven't given up on me and what I need to be healthy - I am still logging my food intake. I am still eating healthfully 95% of the time. I am diligent about exercising. I am committed to these lifestyle changes I have made.

And when the load lightens - I'm not teaching ANYTHING in September! - I'll be grateful that I stayed on track as I'm sitting on the couch watching TV and chatting with the wonderful people on the 40s board.

See you in the fall :)

Yes, Virginia, it is ALL about Self Worth

I'll admit it. I'm a little leery of the GDT on the WW website.

Primarily populated by intelligent, opinionated, witty women, (many, frankly, with way too much time on their hands), it is often the place where the power of those immense attributes is not used for the purpose of good. So much sarcasm and criticism and put downs in the name of humour, bonding of the few, exclusion of the many, control of something as meaningless as the GDT. I've ventured in naively a time or two and have been accused of being a troll - the ultimate act of isolation and control - so, I stay away. But I can't help but lurk because, buried in the meaningless chatter about Jon and Kate Plus Eight, there is often a nugget worth exploration.

Earlier this week, someone posted a plaintive question that went something like this: "Why don't I have the self worth needed to keep myself from making poor choices?" I only read the first dozen or so replies - every one of them stating unilaterally that "self worth" has nothing to do with this process - it's all about the formula: calories in < calories used = weight loss.

Whoa Nelly.

I so completely disagree that I could barely keep myself from responding but, like I said, I've been burned, I don't have the energy for the fight and, I need way more space than the box provides to rebut such crazy talk.

Frequently I am asked the secret of my success - usually by an overweight friend or colleague eyeing me up and down hoping that I'll throw the magic pill their way. And sometimes, if I'm rushed, I'll smile sagely and say, "It's a BIG secret! Eat less, exercise more. Now I'm going to have to kill you" and walk on. But that truly is the least of my success. The truth is more complex - I had to find enough self worth to be able to begin taking care of myself.

Without belief that you and your body deserve the very very best life has to offer, you cannot succeed with the sense of sacrifice the "less food more movement" formula dictates. A person with low feelings of self worth will succumb to one temptation or another and, when life throws a curve ball, the whole thing will get thrown under a bus. It's hard hard work applying this formula every single day for the rest of your life. You've got to believe on a very deep level that you are absolutely worth this effort - because, if you don't, you won't be able to sustain it. I believe that completely.

Trying to find the part of myself that truly believed I was worth taking care of has been critical to my success. To do this, I first had to get past what my DD aptly calls the "itty bitty shitty committee" (IBSC) of rage, shame, fear, guilt and isolation who convened regularly in my head to keep positive thoughts out and angry self damaging emotion in - all in the name of self protection, of course. Getting past this team of experts is no easy task! I seduced them with the gentle practice of yoga one day and discovered they didn't, actually, rule the world! I liked the quieting of their whining voices and practiced yoga more committedly and more regularly in hopes of lulling them to sleep more often. It worked. But, holding a Brave Warrior pose has its limitations as a long term solution so, I added other practices I thought would help:

Daily Affirmation
"Today is the day I take care of myself because I am worthy. I am a unique person of great value to this world and today is the only day I have to treat myself with true love. I will do this by feeding my body healthfully, exercising my physical self, working towards a positive, serene spirit. This I do for love."

I recite every single morning whether I feel like doing it or not. Every morning.

Gratitude Journal
Every evening I find things for which I am thankful. And I write them down. This is not easy - some days are really crappy - filled with bad news, scary events, mean spirited people - days you'd rather forget. Forcing myself to find something good in every day is an engrossing act. Coming up with "I hit all green lights on the way home from the train" has the IBSC throwing up their hands in disgust - how can they compete with such abject cheerfulness?

Positive Things Journal
In my briefcase, I keep a journal of lists of 10 positive things. Every night on the train, I come up with a list of 10 Positive Things. Whatever strikes my fancy. 10 memorable places I've seen moose made up one list. 10 favorite teachers (going all the way back to the lovely Miss Kerr in grade 4) and 10 favorite 1 point snacks. It takes about 5 minutes to complete and ALWAYS leaves me smiling - neither thing can I say about the sudoku.

Thank You
Saying "thank you for doing such a great job" really rips the IBSC a new one. When one has low self worth manifested by a committee of angry, small minded ne'er-do-wells, one does not give a rat's patootie about how hard people around you are trying to make a life. But, seeking them out to say thank you means you start to notice how hard they're trying. I don't mean the slack jawed neanderthal behind the counter chatting personally with a customer while 12 people wait in line. I do mean the lady who cleans your office, the young couple who own your local coffee shop and remembers you like it black, the girl driving the ttc bus in rush hour, the guys mopping the floor outside the washrooms - all of these people are there. Everyday. Connecting with them invariably brings a smile to their face and one to your own heart.

It took a long time for these things to work with yoga to change the IBSC. But change they did. It's like someone took them out back and gave them new identities: forgiveness, serenity, optimism, gratitude. And, their new titles brought a new sense of value to my own inner world.

It's this valuing of myself that keeps me weighing and measuring my food. Keeps me adding new ways to get movemeny into my day to day life. Keeps me focussed on my goals. That lets me honour the commitments I've made to myself. That keeps me thin.

I don't ever ask myself "am I thin enough?" - I ask "am I worth this?" If the answer is yes, then the first question will take care of itself.

I was never unhappy because I was fat. I was fat because I was unhappy.