Yes, Virginia, it is ALL about Self Worth

I'll admit it. I'm a little leery of the GDT on the WW website.

Primarily populated by intelligent, opinionated, witty women, (many, frankly, with way too much time on their hands), it is often the place where the power of those immense attributes is not used for the purpose of good. So much sarcasm and criticism and put downs in the name of humour, bonding of the few, exclusion of the many, control of something as meaningless as the GDT. I've ventured in naively a time or two and have been accused of being a troll - the ultimate act of isolation and control - so, I stay away. But I can't help but lurk because, buried in the meaningless chatter about Jon and Kate Plus Eight, there is often a nugget worth exploration.

Earlier this week, someone posted a plaintive question that went something like this: "Why don't I have the self worth needed to keep myself from making poor choices?" I only read the first dozen or so replies - every one of them stating unilaterally that "self worth" has nothing to do with this process - it's all about the formula: calories in < calories used = weight loss.

Whoa Nelly.

I so completely disagree that I could barely keep myself from responding but, like I said, I've been burned, I don't have the energy for the fight and, I need way more space than the box provides to rebut such crazy talk.

Frequently I am asked the secret of my success - usually by an overweight friend or colleague eyeing me up and down hoping that I'll throw the magic pill their way. And sometimes, if I'm rushed, I'll smile sagely and say, "It's a BIG secret! Eat less, exercise more. Now I'm going to have to kill you" and walk on. But that truly is the least of my success. The truth is more complex - I had to find enough self worth to be able to begin taking care of myself.

Without belief that you and your body deserve the very very best life has to offer, you cannot succeed with the sense of sacrifice the "less food more movement" formula dictates. A person with low feelings of self worth will succumb to one temptation or another and, when life throws a curve ball, the whole thing will get thrown under a bus. It's hard hard work applying this formula every single day for the rest of your life. You've got to believe on a very deep level that you are absolutely worth this effort - because, if you don't, you won't be able to sustain it. I believe that completely.

Trying to find the part of myself that truly believed I was worth taking care of has been critical to my success. To do this, I first had to get past what my DD aptly calls the "itty bitty shitty committee" (IBSC) of rage, shame, fear, guilt and isolation who convened regularly in my head to keep positive thoughts out and angry self damaging emotion in - all in the name of self protection, of course. Getting past this team of experts is no easy task! I seduced them with the gentle practice of yoga one day and discovered they didn't, actually, rule the world! I liked the quieting of their whining voices and practiced yoga more committedly and more regularly in hopes of lulling them to sleep more often. It worked. But, holding a Brave Warrior pose has its limitations as a long term solution so, I added other practices I thought would help:

Daily Affirmation
"Today is the day I take care of myself because I am worthy. I am a unique person of great value to this world and today is the only day I have to treat myself with true love. I will do this by feeding my body healthfully, exercising my physical self, working towards a positive, serene spirit. This I do for love."

I recite every single morning whether I feel like doing it or not. Every morning.

Gratitude Journal
Every evening I find things for which I am thankful. And I write them down. This is not easy - some days are really crappy - filled with bad news, scary events, mean spirited people - days you'd rather forget. Forcing myself to find something good in every day is an engrossing act. Coming up with "I hit all green lights on the way home from the train" has the IBSC throwing up their hands in disgust - how can they compete with such abject cheerfulness?

Positive Things Journal
In my briefcase, I keep a journal of lists of 10 positive things. Every night on the train, I come up with a list of 10 Positive Things. Whatever strikes my fancy. 10 memorable places I've seen moose made up one list. 10 favorite teachers (going all the way back to the lovely Miss Kerr in grade 4) and 10 favorite 1 point snacks. It takes about 5 minutes to complete and ALWAYS leaves me smiling - neither thing can I say about the sudoku.

Thank You
Saying "thank you for doing such a great job" really rips the IBSC a new one. When one has low self worth manifested by a committee of angry, small minded ne'er-do-wells, one does not give a rat's patootie about how hard people around you are trying to make a life. But, seeking them out to say thank you means you start to notice how hard they're trying. I don't mean the slack jawed neanderthal behind the counter chatting personally with a customer while 12 people wait in line. I do mean the lady who cleans your office, the young couple who own your local coffee shop and remembers you like it black, the girl driving the ttc bus in rush hour, the guys mopping the floor outside the washrooms - all of these people are there. Everyday. Connecting with them invariably brings a smile to their face and one to your own heart.

It took a long time for these things to work with yoga to change the IBSC. But change they did. It's like someone took them out back and gave them new identities: forgiveness, serenity, optimism, gratitude. And, their new titles brought a new sense of value to my own inner world.

It's this valuing of myself that keeps me weighing and measuring my food. Keeps me adding new ways to get movemeny into my day to day life. Keeps me focussed on my goals. That lets me honour the commitments I've made to myself. That keeps me thin.

I don't ever ask myself "am I thin enough?" - I ask "am I worth this?" If the answer is yes, then the first question will take care of itself.

I was never unhappy because I was fat. I was fat because I was unhappy.