Some catchphrases just work.

My lovely and talented sister-in-law C. is an inspiration to me. She conquered her life long battle with obesity about 12 years ago and changed her corporate career to become a Life Coach - a perfect choice for her personality and skills. I had a chance to catch up with her last week while on vacation and, as usual, learned a few new things from her.

I can't credit her with creating this saying but she's the first person I heard it from so I give her credit for spreading the idea. We were talking about some of her young work colleagues whose lives look so perfect - gorgeous, thin and making good money, these 3 women have what everyone wants. Success, amazing lives, unbelievable opportunity and, of course, perfect wardrobes. It's hard not to be jealous of women like them - and, in fact, we very often waste energy and do ourselves harm by being exactly that - jealous. But, as C. was telling me about them, it became clear things were not all that they seem. One of the 3 has recently entered a treatment centre for substance abuse. Another went to visit her on a "friends and family" support day and came sobbing to C. the next day describing her own need for treatment for a cocaine addiction and bulimia. We discussed how unhappy these 2 women must be to have these terrible problems and I commented that you never really knew what was going on inside someone's head. C., "well, you know, you can't compare your insides to someone else's outsides. It's just not a fair fight."

Comparing my inside to someone else's outside. How much time and energy have I wasted doing exactly that? And, at what cost? And it is an unfair fight - I get to be the loser everytime I start with this game.

This has become an important discussion topic in my family. My youngest started university yesterday - her second attempt. She's convinced herself that she is the only one who is nervous and anxious. That she is the only one who is afraid she won't make friends. That everyone looks more confident/more intelligent/more outgoing than she. When she called last night to describe how she's made a few great jokes that everyone in her group appreciated, my other daughter said "what do you think the quiet ones were thinking about your outside compared to their insides?" It made me smile to hear that.

I have to stop comparing my insides to the outsides of others. And I have to be aware that now that my outside is looking pretty good, others might need more compassion from me as they compare their insides to my outside. My insides are a work in progress just like everyone else's; trying to make a life that has meaning for me. To judge that against what anyone esle is presenting just isn't worth it.

It's not a fair fight.