Then and Now - photos of change

This is a picture of my husband and me taken in the mountains in August 2004. We're both at our heaviest ever weights - 221 for me, 235 for him.

We were both 45 and heading down a perilous path of poor health - he with high blood pressure already percolating away and me with a self-loathing that was downright paralytic.

We needed to make change.

Fast forward to August 2009. What a difference 5 years make!

I like the idea that time will pass regardless of what you're doing with it. Taking 5 years to make this change would have seemed untenably long as it stretched into the future back in 2004 - in retrospect, it's happened pretty quickly and I'm glad we spent our time this way. Now we're both thinner, fitter and way, way healthier:

DH is 165 lbs and, here I am about 138. My goal is to be 140 so, this little extra cushion works well for me.

We are committed to maintaining the healthy lifestyles that got us to this fit, thin state and believe we will never again be obese.

Working on this one day at a time together makes that possible. I am grateful that my DH will do this with me.

Cheers.

Some catchphrases just work.

My lovely and talented sister-in-law C. is an inspiration to me. She conquered her life long battle with obesity about 12 years ago and changed her corporate career to become a Life Coach - a perfect choice for her personality and skills. I had a chance to catch up with her last week while on vacation and, as usual, learned a few new things from her.

I can't credit her with creating this saying but she's the first person I heard it from so I give her credit for spreading the idea. We were talking about some of her young work colleagues whose lives look so perfect - gorgeous, thin and making good money, these 3 women have what everyone wants. Success, amazing lives, unbelievable opportunity and, of course, perfect wardrobes. It's hard not to be jealous of women like them - and, in fact, we very often waste energy and do ourselves harm by being exactly that - jealous. But, as C. was telling me about them, it became clear things were not all that they seem. One of the 3 has recently entered a treatment centre for substance abuse. Another went to visit her on a "friends and family" support day and came sobbing to C. the next day describing her own need for treatment for a cocaine addiction and bulimia. We discussed how unhappy these 2 women must be to have these terrible problems and I commented that you never really knew what was going on inside someone's head. C., "well, you know, you can't compare your insides to someone else's outsides. It's just not a fair fight."

Comparing my inside to someone else's outside. How much time and energy have I wasted doing exactly that? And, at what cost? And it is an unfair fight - I get to be the loser everytime I start with this game.

This has become an important discussion topic in my family. My youngest started university yesterday - her second attempt. She's convinced herself that she is the only one who is nervous and anxious. That she is the only one who is afraid she won't make friends. That everyone looks more confident/more intelligent/more outgoing than she. When she called last night to describe how she's made a few great jokes that everyone in her group appreciated, my other daughter said "what do you think the quiet ones were thinking about your outside compared to their insides?" It made me smile to hear that.

I have to stop comparing my insides to the outsides of others. And I have to be aware that now that my outside is looking pretty good, others might need more compassion from me as they compare their insides to my outside. My insides are a work in progress just like everyone else's; trying to make a life that has meaning for me. To judge that against what anyone esle is presenting just isn't worth it.

It's not a fair fight.

I can.

A sparkpeople blog about being able to touch your toes again after a many year inability to do so has got me thinking about all of the things I have achieved on this journey of recovery from obesity. I thought I would talk about them here in case I ever get the urge to return to my unhealthy past! Having these reminders of what has changed (and why) has been good motivation and celebration through these months of maintenance. All tools at the ready! All hands on deck!

I can touch my toes without bending my knees. I can almost get my hand flat on the ground although I have tight hips so it's hard.

I can squat for a long time talking to a small child or playing with a cute dog and stand straight up afterwards without needing a hand up. My knees make an obnoxious crunchy sound but, they do it!

I can run up a flight of stairs 2 at a time. And still breathe at the top.

I can squeeze through a tight place - this is more handy than you know - cars parked too closely beside mine aren't a worry, I need a very few inches to get through.

I can fit boots over my calves - first time since 1978. This is significant - I plan to buy my first pair of winter dress boots in over 30 years!

I can easily change the water cooler jug at work - hoist it up, turn it over, plug it in - voilà - fresh water and no need to wait for a brawny guy to happen along.

I can run 19km without stopping. I'm not entirely sure why anyone would want or need to be able to do this - I'm not entirely sure why I want or need to do it. I just know that I do and I can.

I can get up at 5:30 am to exercise. I used to think 5:30 am was a decent bedtime for a Friday night.

I can laugh at myself. Those of us who suffer from perfectionism don't laugh at our foibles very readily - being able to do so takes courage.

I can make change. I am not so set in my ways that I can't try new things. New ways of thinking. New attitudes and new values. I have always embraced change in my external circumstances - now I can make changes to my internal machine.

I can do 10 full plank style push ups without stopping. I feel like GI-Jane. Without the bad hair.

I can be serene - live without anger or frustration or impatience. I can accept, move beyond, forgive, forget. Releasing negative energy and embracing contentment makes life quieter.

I can sleep all night without heartburn, stress, worry, pain troubling me.

I can bend over to tie my shoes without a change in my breathing.

I can eat healthfully, with satisfaction and delight, without guilt or embarrassment and feel sated.

I can dream. I can set goals. And achieve them.

All of these marvelous achievements! All from a healthy lifestyle that has focussed on my spirit, body and mind. All things I would miss dreadfully if I were to lose them through my own inattention to my needs.

Such strength in 2 little words... I can.

Fear of failure and the power to believe.

I'm doing it - really doing it! This maintenance thing that is both as boring and as scary as the weightloss process itself is being done. One day at a time and one decision at a time but I'm doing it!

Yeah me!

It's scary though. I have so much excellent experience with failure at this game. All the previous times I've lost a few or many pounds only to have them ambush me again without warning. All those failed attempts to start dieting. All those half baked attempts at exercise. I can't count the number of times I've successfully lost enough weight to go buy a new, smaller sized pair of jeans only to have them relegated to the back of the closet within a few weeks. Yes, failure has followed me around like a stalker for many years and doing this maintenance thing means confronting those fears daily.

I've struggled for many years with using an external locus of control in my life; basically an approach that many perfectionists use to protect our delicate ego from facing the harsh reality of our human imperfection. If I forgot to do something, I could always find something else to blame. If I ate too much or exercised too little, I could blame that on something or someone too. I used other people to determine if I were fat or thin enough and always felt judged by them. I was sure people watched what I ate or wore or said or did - and felt bad or good about all of those things based on what I thought they were thinking about me!

It's not a happy place to live because, if other people or circumstances are to blame for everything wrong in your life, you don't have to take any responsibility for fixing things - it's out of your control after all. So, I've had to work hard on squelching the inner voice of perfectionism in my head while I was working with the rest of my damaged psyche. The sad truth is that we perfectionists don't think we're perfect, we think we're supposed to be and are saddened daily by our failure to be perfect... another failure.

It's hurting my head to even think about it.

No, I am not perfect and I am not even supposed to be. But that doesn't mean I'm going to fail at this crazy thing. Not this time. I have too much invested in my recovery to believe 6 homemade chocolate chip cookies (eaten warm from the oven, and they weren't small either) have any real meaning in the grand scheme of this journey. Making a choice to eat cookies does not mean I'm failing - it means I'm human and that's okay because I can be in control - not the cookies.

So, here I am, a recovering perfectionist learning to believe that maintenance can be imperfectly done without failing at it. Trusting that I have the power to eat less on the days after the cookie binge; honestly reporting my calories in the nutrition calculator; not justifying the indulgence based on the 700 cals burned that morning in a run. Just making daily choices that make sense in the grand scheme of an imperfect life.

That is success and is my power.

It's hardly fair... shopping still sucks!

I am willing to bet there isn't a fat woman out there in North America who doesn't believe with all of her heart that clothes shopping will be nirvana when she reaches that magical number lodged in the ideal weight part of her brain. I certainly did.

At 221 lbs., I was so tired of my limited options in clothing stores. I bought everything with spandex so it would be comfortable over rolls. I could also buy a smaller size if it were stretchy enough! But, I could never buy blouses that fit over my upper arms. And they gaped at the chest regardless of the shoulder width. I purchased many jackets that could not do up at the waist - if they fit the upper arms, I was more than happy to leave them open even if it did give the appearance of a gentleman's hunting jacket from a 17th century painting. Pants were a nightmare - to get something to go around my ginormous thighs I had to endure 4 inches of gaping at the waist. A belt cinching that extra material just pulled the whole thing upward resulting in pants with perma-wedgy. Always uncomfortable, snug, pulling, and, let's face it, not very attractive. No matter what I bought or how much I paid for it - clothes just didn't look good on me.

So I learned to hate shopping - paying too much for ill fitting, ugly clothes seemed like torture. I once enjoyed thrift store shopping but, as an obese woman, you really don't want someone else's pulled out, worn out garments. Brand new ones would rub an open seam between the legs soon enough - no need to get something already threadbare! Taking valuable time from an overpacked day in order to drive to a busy mall where you're bound to be disappointed, depressed and disillusioned just doesn't seem like a good way to spend your life.

Losing 81 lbs should mean that these feelings are behind me. That shopping for clothes with this trim, fit, proportioned body would be a joyful experience. Walk into any store in the mall and come out with a bag of perfect clothing designed to fit the new me like a model's wardrobe.

HA!

Shopping is still a nightmare! I have almost as much difficulty now as I did 5 years ago. I am a size 2 - this is not a real woman's size anymore - only teenagers and movie stars wear size 2. I lost 81 lbs but gained 5 years in age - I'm almost 50, I don't really want to shop at Garage, Aritzia, Suzy Shier or H&M. I want to shop at Cleo, or the Bay or Laura or Nygard but, in order to do so, I have to shop in the Petites section. I am 5' 5 1/2" tall - Petites are too short in the leg length, too short in the hemline (no one, and I mean no one, needs to see 50 year old formerly obese knees), too short in the sleeves. But, the regular sizes start at 4 and that, apparently, is too big.

They shouldn't be too big - I weigh 140lbs for heaven's sake!! I weighed 20lbs less all through high school and was happy with my size 10s. What the hell has happened here?? How can I weigh 140lbs and be too small to buy clothes?

GAH!

I don't have time for this. I really don't. I am going to Newfoundland for the weekend and, given its, shall we say, unpredictable summer weather, I thought it might be wise to have a second pair of long pants along for the ride. I own one single pair of long pants that fit. I spent three hours shopping on Thursday night coming home with a pair of Calvin Klein jeans that are too short but, at least they fit in the waist, hips and legs. That's it - one pair of jeans from 7 stores, at least 15 trips to the change rooms and a wallet prepared to be open.

It was so discouraging. In addition to many pairs of ill fitting jeans, I tried on jackets that fell off my shoulders like a de-padded 80's blazer. I tried on skirts that could accommodate both arms with the zipper done up. I tried on baggy blouses (even in the arms) and ill fitting sweaters and I can't even imagine getting to September and facing my completely empty winter wardrobe. I may need a month off work just to find the time to search out clothes to wear to work.

What has happened? Why isn't this more fun? I don't ever want to go back to being overweight but, please, someone make cothes for me that fit!

Change is good...

Well, I've yanked out the umbilical cord and switched from old faithful to a new BFF. It's going to save me some money but that really wasn't the point. I just needed more and my old faithful wasn't providing it any longer - sniff.

Yes, I've switched from Weight Watchers to Spark People (http://www.sparkpeople.com/) - and it's been a BIG change.

First of all, it's free - a philanthropic young entrepreneur who cashed in on the dot com craze before it tanked has decided to change the world on his earnings - and, to be fair, sell a truckload full of advertising at the same time. But, no one forces me to open the ads so, it's free to me.

I made the change because I needed better tools to manage my diet. WW's point system just isn't good enough for someone who runs 38 km a week and needs to keep a practiced eye on when and how much carbohydrate and protein were eaten. And a plan that separates sugar from carbs. And tells you how much sodium you're taking in - especially important for me as I eat very few processed foods and don't use table salt yet sweat up a storm 4 hours a week. Some of us need to keep an eye on sodium to make sure we're getting enough! It counts every calorie and measures them all - WW was too easy to assign a single point for a banana even though the one just eaten was 9 inches long and fat through the middle!

WW points just stopped working for me even though I was maintaining my weight and rarely hungry - I felt like something was missing. And my garmin forerunner 305 GPS heart monitor was begging for the information it produces to be put to good use!

Sparkpeople allows me to better manage my exercise. It adjusts my intake based on actual calories burned - information I get directly from my heart monitor - so, no more guessing at intensity! No more Activity Points - I actually see the calories I've used and need to replace. Sparkpeople offers a range for my daily intake to accommodate these needs. On non-running days I can see that I used less calories and ate less too - quite the concept.

I also switched for motivation - I want to be inspired. There are inspiring souls on the WW boards and they are universally encouraging but the majority of members are struggling as I once did with doing the same things day in and day out and expecting different results. Laments and excuses and psychic pain and self loathing and doubt and quick fixes and falling apart at the seams... I have been there, I find it all very discouraging.

I don't want to be the one doing the inspiring - I have no easy answers for those seeking the magic pill. I worry about the newbies who pop up and drop 10 lbs in the first 2 weeks and expect it to last. I worry about those with chronic health conditions who desperately need to find some answers but are struggling with forming the right questions for themselves. I feel inadequate. So, on Spark People I've joined a maintenance group where there are many people who have lost amazing amounts of weight and I am just one of the crowd. I can read their personal stories on their sparkpeople blogs and be thrilled and awed by their pictures and find the self pride to continue this for another day.

So, for now, I'm a sparkpeople devotee. I've pretty much abandoned my WW boards - haven't time to go back to them and I do miss the wonderful people who populate the 40's board in particular. So, once life settles down and I'm not quite so busy, I will go back and maybe spread the word - that should get me banned!!!

Check it out for yourself!

Too busy?

I really, truly am too busy right now.

I work fulltime as the Program Manager for a busy government program and commute about 3 hours every day to get to and from my job.

I teach a 4 hour nursing theory class on Tuesday nights and all week peck away at teaching the same course online. I assign too many assignments which means seemingly endless marking but I care deeply about my students and their learning so it's worthwhile.

I am training for a half marathon - getting up at 5 am to tackle hill repeats (which I love - strangely enough) and tempo runs and spending Sunday mornings logging 16-19 km with all the related warm up and cool down and stretching time factored in. I crosstrain with an active, vibrant yoga practice and swim laps in my pool.

I have a husband. We have friends. My grown daughters are launched or are launching - but my year old grandson needs a periodic visit involving multiple flights to Savannah for long but oh so very short weekends and the youngest needs reassurance that she won't get lost at U of T in the fall.

Planning a get together with another couple requires the services of an event planner and 4 Blackberries. Committing to a family get together at the cottage means a complete overhaul of a month's worth of "to do" items. Forget that crown I need - there is no time to call the dentist to make an appointment let alone time to attend it.

In the meantime, there are books piling up on my bedside table begging to be enjoyed. And emails from people awaiting my witty reply. There is an empty refrigerator and an overfull laundry basket and sometimes I can barely muster the strength to suck back the needed dose of Flovent before tumbling into bed at 9 pm.

It is a full life. I am BUSY. Everyone I know is busy! And everyone uses it as an excuse for something.

My girlfriend is too busy to exercise. She gave up her nightly walks when her work started following her home like a scruffy, persistent dog. The 22 lbs she's gained since Christmas are starting to show and she is finding less energy to get through her work during the day meaning even more is tracking her home.

My colleague is too busy to prepare meals. She no longer packs a nutritious lunch and generally picks up something from a fast food joint on the way home from the office for dinner. She complains about the toll it's taking on her wallet but doesn't admit to any worry about what it's doing to her or her family's health.

Another is too busy to carry on with her French classes - she's been studying for a couple of years and even dated a fellow student for a time - she loves to tell of their trip to Paris where she mangled enough verbs to start another revolution and felt completely bilingual despite her lack of fluency. She, too, is simply too busy at work to take any personal time at all anymore and her French is limited to our occasional fractured conversations.

All of them are too busy to diet. "I haven't time to attend Weight Watcher's meetings anymore" says one - "I'm going to have to take a break."

I understand that something has to give - there are, after all, only so many hours in the day. But in the grand priority of life - nutrition and exercise have to come first. Just like there is no "taking a vacation" from proper nutrition, there is no "too busy" for it either. Too busy to feed and nurture yourself? Too busy to ensure your body is getting what it needs to keep moving forward? Too busy to care about your spirit or your mind? Too busy to prevent disease? Too busy to love yourself?

Yes, some things have to go but surely active involvement in loving ourself fits in somewhere? In order to make sure I still have time for the activities I need to be healthy, I've given some things up this summer:

• I've given up time on the WW boards and facebook until I get through this too busy period.
• I've given up TV using it twice a week for my yoga practice and little more. I can get the news while I'm commuting - usually 6 times over!
• I've given up reading for pleasure.
• I've given up cooking - we're eating raw and straight from the fridge most days.
• I've given up my blog - this is the first time I've written in 3 weeks and only because the last appointment of my day didn't show!
• I've given up shopping - I can do without a trip to the mall more than I can do without an hour of weight training.
• I've given up house work - well, not completely -but let's just say my standard has slipped substantially and people should call before they drop by!

But I haven't given up on me and what I need to be healthy - I am still logging my food intake. I am still eating healthfully 95% of the time. I am diligent about exercising. I am committed to these lifestyle changes I have made.

And when the load lightens - I'm not teaching ANYTHING in September! - I'll be grateful that I stayed on track as I'm sitting on the couch watching TV and chatting with the wonderful people on the 40s board.

See you in the fall :)